The season of ghosts

Sorry for the lack of blogging- I’m still here. Struggling a bit.  Nothing dramatic. But nothing funny or insightful- no amusing flourishes, no analysis.  Just low, tired, energyless, amorphous, jellyfish person, putting a lot of effort into every day. 

The changing of the seasons- of light and thunderstorms and receding weekly springs and winters- messes with my brain and my body. Moods go a bit more skew-wif than usual. Lack of sleep-too much sleep-up-down.  And it’s just the season of ghosts, the natural thoughtfulness, sadness that comes with it.

Around this time of year, full of death and anniversaries and grief and loss, I always get the feeling that I’d like torch my life and start again to quasi-manic levels (and indeed I have done- all my relationships end around this time of year. Just a quick plaster rip off, the easiest and most destructive way to shake everything up).  It’s not out of lack of love, nor even happiness, but panic.  Pure panic as one anniversary rumbles into another and I feel the brevity of life as keenly as the briefness of those just-days, really, just-days in my calendar.  You could sleep through them, not experience them, but they still happened.  I’m mature enough now not to do anything dramatic (I was only really a baby before, very early twenties), and obviously I won’t leave my husband as we love each other and are happy together. But I am getting quite depressed thinking of how much of my life I have wasted, am wasting, and the depression and tiredness is making it hard to do anything. I could have been so much and I am so little. Self pity. Ironically, the only thing I am really good at- translating that self pity into readable prose- isn’t even something I feel much up to doing either. 

Guess it’s the good thing about this whole shebang.  My anxiety remains, my awkwardness, but my moods pass.  Whether it takes weeks or months, they always change, always go again. Hard to remember that sometimes, but it’s true. 



Filed under: Mental health

from The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive

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